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I am going crazy!!

I feel like I am going crazy! I know a lot of it can be attributed to the hormones but my gut tells me I am quickly slipping back into dark mode and I constantly feel sad, angry or hopeless. I would love to avoid meds altogether, but how can I know if this is normal pregnancy insanity or me going back down that path of depression?

Recently I feel overwhelmed all the time. I work a full time job that I do not like, and have my sister in law and her 4 yr old living with us until she gets back on her feet. We also have a roommate friend that has been living with us for a while (and this has never bothered me before). Oh and also I am dealing with gestational diabetes so staying on track with my meal plan adds tons of stress as well.

Lately every little thing anyone does annoys me in a way I can't control. Even just their presence sets my hair on end sometimes. My husband is trying so hard, I talk to him a lot and as much as he can be a lazy butt sometimes he is getting better in helping around the house and easing the stress for me. Its not enough though, he is still the way he is and slips up from time to time on things I have asked him to change or help with and I lose it... I get mad and sad and cry uncontrollably for 20-30 mins. Its all the little things- if the tweezers I always leave in a certain drawer are moved by my sis in law, or if my nephew is monopolizing the tv or being overly loud, or if her puppy (oh yea she brought her 6 month old pup with her too) yips and yaps or chews up the box of kleenex, or if my mother in law is at my house more often than I want her to be. It seems silly when I write it all down, but seriously I break down and feel like a horrible person for just wanting to kick everyone out of my house (including my husband and my dogs) and just be by myself. I just want to crawl under the covers and sleep.

This morning was the point where I really started thinking, maybe this isn't just the pregnancy hormones, maybe my depression is taking hold again. My husband and I had a disagreement last night and then again this morning (well he brushed it off and got over it real easy but it seems it affected me more than I wanted it to) and when he left for work I just turned off my alarm, cried myself to sleep and when I woke up late I called out of work and decided I was just taking a day to myself. I watched an hour of Iron Chef on tv, ate a little, fell asleep for 4 hours and now I am here trying to figure out what to do. It seems a little too much for it to just be pregnancy hormones taking over. Everyone always says oh just watch out you will be a roller coaster of emotions, but I do not want to disregard everything I am feeling because of my depression history either. I do not want to spend my pregnancy sad and angry and being an overall hateful person.

So I'm back... is that good or bad?

I usually write when I need it most. It helps me to pour out everything I am feeling without filtering, without feeling bad or thinking about it, it is just what I feel. Then I read it and chew over it and digest it and hopefully dig out some new insights I had not seen before. I thought it was time to start again as I sat at work a couple weeks ago, on the slowest of days, writing on scrap paper all the feelings that were threatening to drown me at that moment. After, I realized what was bothering me so much about it and well, it helped. So I am back to write about what is going on and although i am not sure if its all that great that I need this again, I am here.

So what has happened since I was last on here?? Well, we are back "home." We moved back to AZ to be closer to family ad hopefully start a family of our own. Except home doesn't feel like home anymore. It is funny, while I fell in love with Seattle, I always missed home, missed my family, missed my life there. Now I am here and well.... I miss Seattle and all the new things I had come to love and have there. I tried giving myself time and overall I enjoy being close to family and old friends, but besides that there isn't much that I am satisfied with. We bought a house, yay! except now we are stuck for a while at least. My husband likes his job down here (except for the hot) but he likes his boss and his team and as always the easily charming boy makes friends wherever he goes. In the same was, as always I have not made new friends and if it wasn't for the few old ones I have I would be pretty much alone here.

Upon moving here I decided to find a job in preschool again, but the schools here suck, there are no resources, low pay, high child to teacher ratios and just overall sucky schools. So... I have hopped from job to job trying to find something semi satisfying that will help pay the bills. I have worked in property management, banking, and now I am a call center customer service associate.... yay.... It pays well for the skills needed, but in reality it is just another job that does absolutely nothing to fill that void inside me.

As far as family life goes, we started trying to have a baby a little over a year ago. I have gone through two miscarriages which we handled pretty well as they happened early on and just opted for a positive outlook on continuing our journey to try and grow our family. Finally at the beginning of this year we got pregnant again and this time it has stuck. I am now 23 weeks pregnant with a baby girl that has already given us plenty of waves through her ultrasounds. I am happy, really... but all these hormonal changes are making me go insane, and lately I feel like I am slipping into depression again. I do not want to go to work, I cry over every little thing, I sleep a lot... I know that a lot of that I can contribute straight to the adorable little alien growing inside me, but I also know myself and I know it is more than that. I am falling again, and I am scared. I do not want to feel so sad and angry all the time. I had finally learned how to take control of my own happiness and stop depending on other people to make me happy, but now I feel, again, like I cannot do it on my own and no one around me seems to be able to help. It just gets worse.

So here I am again, returning to see if this little exercise can help me stay sane throughout these last few months and even after. We shall see.

Been a while...

Hmmm so it seems like forever since I have updated. I've been busy. Not physically busy but sort of mentally.

Coming to Seattle 3 years ago was a kind of mind opening experience. There are so many different people here and so many activists as well, for every little thing you can think of. I started learning little things about this and that and I think the most significant one has been about health/food. Race is a close second, but I had always known racism existed just had not heard anyone explain it and its processes so well before. Anyway, back to health and food...

Last November I started seeing a Naturopath as my primary doctor. I had been sick on and off about every month since I moved to Seattle. My doctor bills racked up and  you always found my medicine cabinet stocked full of an assortment of cold/flu meds, including cough syrups, decongestants, cough drops, etc. My naturopath helped me so much that since last November I have been sick 3 times, only one of which was actually a full blown cold. She helped me start paying attention to my body and not just the symptoms, as well as treating my body as a whole and not just the congestion or the cough or the sniffles. My medicine cabinet has since been cleaned out and I haven't needed any cold meds for a while. It feels good to be healthy. Along with this new different way to look at my health came a lot of thought about what I eat and how I eat it. I moved from eating out a lot in Arizona to mostly cooking all my meals here in Seattle. However, I guess this isn't all there is to eating healthy.

A coworker of mine is taking a certification class, I think she wants to become like a nutrition consultant. She started reading her class material and sharing some of it. After she finished her first book she lent it to me, its called The Omnivore's Dilemma. Taken straight from the description on amazon:

"Most of us are at a great distance from our food. I don't mean that we live "twelve miles from a lemon," as English wit Sydney Smith said about a home in Yorkshire. I mean that our food bears little resemblance to its natural substance. Hamburger never mooed; spaghetti grows on the pasta tree; baby carrots come from a pink and blue nursery. Still, we worry about our meals -- from calories to carbs, from heart-healthy to brain food. And we prefer our food to be "natural," as long as natural doesn't involve real.

In The Omnivore's Dilemma, Michael Pollan writes about how our food is grown -- what it is, in fact, that we are eating. The book is really three in one: The first section discusses industrial farming; the second, organic food, both as big business and on a relatively small farm; and the third, what it is like to hunt and gather food for oneself. And each section culminates in a meal -- a cheeseburger and fries from McDonald's; roast chicken, vegetables and a salad from Whole Foods; and grilled chicken, corn and a chocolate soufflé (made with fresh eggs) from a sustainable farm; and, finally, mushrooms and pork, foraged from the wild.

We needn't learn how to shoot our own pigs, as Pollan does; there's hope in other ways -- farmers' markets, the Slow Food movement, restaurants supplied by local farms. To Pollan, the omnivore's dilemma is twofold: what we choose to eat ("What should we have for dinner?" he asks in the opening sentence of his book) and how we let that food be produced. His book is an eater's manifesto, and he touches on a vast array of subjects, from food fads and taboos to our avoidance of not only our food's animality, but also our own. Along the way, he is alert to his own emotions and thoughts, to see how they affect what he does and what he eats, to learn more and to explain what he knows. His approach is steeped in honesty and self-awareness. His cause is just, his thinking is clear, and his writing is compelling."

Right now I am still on the second part regarding organic foods, but I have loved every bit of the book. It has also made me realize I need to change the way I eat. No, I know that eating grass fed beef won't in fact save the poor steer that is stuck in a stall barely big enough to move in, eating corn, chicken discards and leftover animal parts, and standing in its own shit, but I am at least making a choice of what I am really eating instead of just doing without thinking about it. This whole thing has been sort of just sitting in my head being chewed over and over and over again for a long time now. I am barely starting to make some changes.

I still don't know most of what I am doing, but a lot more thought (along with stress and money unfortunately) is going into what I eat. I am sure as I get more comfortable with everything the stress will diminish, and the I will get better about saving money, but for now I am just taking baby steps.

So far I have...

1. Gone shopping at PCC to experiment with their foods and prices
2. Tried coconut oil and added 2-3 tbsp a day to my diet
3. I don't really cook with vegetable oil (mostly olive oil) but I am avoiding it now.
4. Stocked up on more fruits and veggies (and trying to keep it going)
5. Tried quinoa (pretty yummy in a chicken stir fry)
6. Bought Nourishing Traditions cookbook.
7. Found the website Food Renegade and did some more reading
8. Found the website Kitchen Stewardship and did MORE reading (She is very Catholic, not my cup of tea, but lots of interesting stuff on there)
9. Bought 85lbs of grass fed beef direct from the farm. Turned out at about $2.64/lb for a variety of cuts. Much better than PCC!
10. Learned how to make ghee and actually made a batch today (can't wait to try it).

Next....

11. Eat breakfast every day (probably oatmeal, smoothies or har boiled eggs)
12. Order coconut oil in bulk (cheaper and I am going through it so fast!!)
13. Pack a lunch at least 3 times a week.

I will check in next week and see how I am doing.

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Frustrated

So a few weeks back we got a notice on our front door saying that the water bill wasn't being paid (my landlord's responsibility) and so the water would be turned off in a month or so. We called our landlord and he said he would take care of it right away. I talked to my neighbors (its a duplex and we have the same landlord) and they said its pretty common about once a year they get this notice but the water never gets turned off. I wasn't too worried...

There was another notice on our door today, saying that in accordance to law the water will be shut off tomorrow!! Called my landlord and he blabs me a story about how he paid some yesterday and they said the deadline was the 29th and how they are going beyond their boundaries by trying to get to him through us blah blah.

"But you probably don't want to hear this whole story" he says. Damn right I don't! Just pay the fucking bill. I dunno what to do if they turn the water off :( My best guess is to see if I can pay the bill before the water gets turned off and deduct it from next months rent. I think he owed something like $600. Ugh.

Any advice anyone??

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Recipes

So I started a lj account specifically to keep track of my favorite recipes. Its mostly for myself but if anyone is interested in food or wants to share any recipes you can find me at foxglove_yum

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Awesome sauce

A co-worker gave me a really good recipe yesterday. It was for Pan-seared Tuna with Ginger-Shittake Cream Sauce. This is the first time I had tuna, and it  was expensive and not worth it in my opinion (Although I did take too long making the sauce and the tuna finished cooking through in the oven, no red left). The sauce however was delicious and I think it would do well with some chicken as well. I thought I'd share for anyone interested.



X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Wolverine is HOT!!!

That is all.