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May 31st, 2013

So I'm back... is that good or bad?

I usually write when I need it most. It helps me to pour out everything I am feeling without filtering, without feeling bad or thinking about it, it is just what I feel. Then I read it and chew over it and digest it and hopefully dig out some new insights I had not seen before. I thought it was time to start again as I sat at work a couple weeks ago, on the slowest of days, writing on scrap paper all the feelings that were threatening to drown me at that moment. After, I realized what was bothering me so much about it and well, it helped. So I am back to write about what is going on and although i am not sure if its all that great that I need this again, I am here.

So what has happened since I was last on here?? Well, we are back "home." We moved back to AZ to be closer to family ad hopefully start a family of our own. Except home doesn't feel like home anymore. It is funny, while I fell in love with Seattle, I always missed home, missed my family, missed my life there. Now I am here and well.... I miss Seattle and all the new things I had come to love and have there. I tried giving myself time and overall I enjoy being close to family and old friends, but besides that there isn't much that I am satisfied with. We bought a house, yay! except now we are stuck for a while at least. My husband likes his job down here (except for the hot) but he likes his boss and his team and as always the easily charming boy makes friends wherever he goes. In the same was, as always I have not made new friends and if it wasn't for the few old ones I have I would be pretty much alone here.

Upon moving here I decided to find a job in preschool again, but the schools here suck, there are no resources, low pay, high child to teacher ratios and just overall sucky schools. So... I have hopped from job to job trying to find something semi satisfying that will help pay the bills. I have worked in property management, banking, and now I am a call center customer service associate.... yay.... It pays well for the skills needed, but in reality it is just another job that does absolutely nothing to fill that void inside me.

As far as family life goes, we started trying to have a baby a little over a year ago. I have gone through two miscarriages which we handled pretty well as they happened early on and just opted for a positive outlook on continuing our journey to try and grow our family. Finally at the beginning of this year we got pregnant again and this time it has stuck. I am now 23 weeks pregnant with a baby girl that has already given us plenty of waves through her ultrasounds. I am happy, really... but all these hormonal changes are making me go insane, and lately I feel like I am slipping into depression again. I do not want to go to work, I cry over every little thing, I sleep a lot... I know that a lot of that I can contribute straight to the adorable little alien growing inside me, but I also know myself and I know it is more than that. I am falling again, and I am scared. I do not want to feel so sad and angry all the time. I had finally learned how to take control of my own happiness and stop depending on other people to make me happy, but now I feel, again, like I cannot do it on my own and no one around me seems to be able to help. It just gets worse.

So here I am again, returning to see if this little exercise can help me stay sane throughout these last few months and even after. We shall see.

I am going crazy!!

I feel like I am going crazy! I know a lot of it can be attributed to the hormones but my gut tells me I am quickly slipping back into dark mode and I constantly feel sad, angry or hopeless. I would love to avoid meds altogether, but how can I know if this is normal pregnancy insanity or me going back down that path of depression?

Recently I feel overwhelmed all the time. I work a full time job that I do not like, and have my sister in law and her 4 yr old living with us until she gets back on her feet. We also have a roommate friend that has been living with us for a while (and this has never bothered me before). Oh and also I am dealing with gestational diabetes so staying on track with my meal plan adds tons of stress as well.

Lately every little thing anyone does annoys me in a way I can't control. Even just their presence sets my hair on end sometimes. My husband is trying so hard, I talk to him a lot and as much as he can be a lazy butt sometimes he is getting better in helping around the house and easing the stress for me. Its not enough though, he is still the way he is and slips up from time to time on things I have asked him to change or help with and I lose it... I get mad and sad and cry uncontrollably for 20-30 mins. Its all the little things- if the tweezers I always leave in a certain drawer are moved by my sis in law, or if my nephew is monopolizing the tv or being overly loud, or if her puppy (oh yea she brought her 6 month old pup with her too) yips and yaps or chews up the box of kleenex, or if my mother in law is at my house more often than I want her to be. It seems silly when I write it all down, but seriously I break down and feel like a horrible person for just wanting to kick everyone out of my house (including my husband and my dogs) and just be by myself. I just want to crawl under the covers and sleep.

This morning was the point where I really started thinking, maybe this isn't just the pregnancy hormones, maybe my depression is taking hold again. My husband and I had a disagreement last night and then again this morning (well he brushed it off and got over it real easy but it seems it affected me more than I wanted it to) and when he left for work I just turned off my alarm, cried myself to sleep and when I woke up late I called out of work and decided I was just taking a day to myself. I watched an hour of Iron Chef on tv, ate a little, fell asleep for 4 hours and now I am here trying to figure out what to do. It seems a little too much for it to just be pregnancy hormones taking over. Everyone always says oh just watch out you will be a roller coaster of emotions, but I do not want to disregard everything I am feeling because of my depression history either. I do not want to spend my pregnancy sad and angry and being an overall hateful person.